Post your Joke!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:12 am

School Bus Ride

It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.

After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.

"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

haha

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:23 am

Cows and Bulls

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.

All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.

Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:16 am

"We bulls....." LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:10 am

HAH

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Nov 01, 2007 4:37 am

Tech Support

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved. ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:18 pm

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Nov 01, 2007 3:58 pm

Rhonda!
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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Nov 24, 2007 6:01 am

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,�

"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."
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~*~*I love Abbie and Rascal*~*~

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:40 am

AMEN SISTAH!!!
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:41 am

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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:44 pm

This isn't exactly a joke, but Rhonda sent it to me and I found it hilarious. Please excuse me if its already been on here before!

I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...
right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIII IPPP!!!!
I am blinded!!! Blinded from pain!!!
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe.....
OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy
pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip..it's not!

I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shu t!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!! !*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter... 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!

It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...... ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 4:59 am

, Misti!

I was in pain through the whole story. And I don't even have a hoo-ha. batEyes

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 5:18 am

So glad you gave me the credit Misti....there was a reason I sent it through email and not posting it in the forum!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 7:23 am

Sorry, Rhonda! But it was too good to pass up! Next time I'll double check to see. batEyes

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"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 10:35 am

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:46 pm

How would you explain that....hubby coming into the bathroom and you being stuck to the bottom of the tub? I don't think I would say anything, just act normal until he left and then proceed to un-stick myself!
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Dec 18, 2007 5:54 pm

Ummm, OK Misti......

Sounds good to me......
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 19, 2007 7:32 pm

Ummm...Misti, before you proceed to un-stick yourself, be sure to get to the bottom of this first.
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Dec 20, 2007 4:27 am

I want to thank Rhonda for not starting a pun war in this thread. It might be dangerous. Silly Smiley

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:40 am

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:30 pm

A woman invited her blonde friend, who lived half a state away, to come for a visit. The blonde started out one morning... and arrived five days later.

"What took you so long?" asked her friend. "And look at you, you're worn to a frazzle!"

"Whew, it was a tough trip alright," said the blonde. "There were gas stations all along the way, and every one of them had a sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS."

"So?"

"So I must've cleaned 200 restrooms before I got here!"

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:32 pm

That reminds me of when Jeremiah was six........he was already reading at a very good level, and we passed one of those "DO NOT PASS" signs. When we drove past it, he gasped and said "You just broke the law!! That sign said DO NOT PASS!!" LaughingSmiley2

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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Dec 23, 2007 7:55 am

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had a wild time with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:12 am

, Misti!

Savannah, that's so funny about Jeremiah. Kids tend to take things so literally.

When my nephew Wesley was little, we took him to see our aunt, and we told him that she lived in a cottage on the river. Imagine his bitter disappointment when he found out that the cottage was merely beside the river instead of on it. With kids, you always gotta watch what you say. Unsure

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Dec 23, 2007 8:28 pm