Post your Joke!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:12 pm

WOMEN'S BATHROOMS...

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter , the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance ."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yours elf at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
be cause, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose ag ainst the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dra gged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still w aiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper is trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finall y explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
_________________

"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:20 am

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:51 pm

Age is a high price to pay for Maturity..

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:38 pm

Those are all great, Lily, Rhonda and Misti! Applause

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:11 am

Cup Holder

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Feb 03, 2008 4:56 pm

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Feb 03, 2008 5:43 pm

I Heard that one befor
_________________

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone ~~Kenny Chesney~~

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:57 pm

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:56 pm

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half
years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had
been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when
I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to
him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach
to get water is the toilet??'

LaughingSmiley2

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:44 pm

Oh My Goodness! What did he say! That is pretty gross! I don't have a weak stomach, but that just might get to me! sick

_________________

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Feb 08, 2008 8:14 pm

Rhonda........That is a HOOT! Your poor Dad!!
_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:54 am

Not me, and not my dad..........Just a joke that came in my email and I just HAD to share!!! It was TOO good to pass up..........
_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:01 pm

Oh! Whew! So, it wasn't your dad! Well, I feel sorry for whoever's dad is was!
_________________

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Feb 13, 2008 3:47 pm

God and the Scientist

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt." Applause

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Feb 14, 2008 5:44 am

Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Feb 14, 2008 6:14 am

Oh, Rhonda! ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Feb 16, 2008 9:02 am

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:11 am

The one about the deer hunters is hilarious, too, Rhonda!!
_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Mar 02, 2008 7:21 pm

Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco® 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is to totally confused by t his and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, " Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Cat fish Bait is $3.50."
_________________

"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Mar 02, 2008 7:33 pm

, Lily!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:22 am

Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..." "What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes later...

"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:41 pm

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:42 am

THE LAWS OF LIFE

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

& Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:56 pm

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" the rabbit replied.

"Yes, but that still doesn't answer my question," responded the lady.

"Well," the rabbit said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm westing." batEyes

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:03 am

Misti......... LaughingSmiley2

I didn't see your joke when I was posting the bunny oney......I mean, the bunny one. Those are hilarious! I especially like the "wrong number" one. LaughingSmiley2

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.