Post your Joke!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:16 pm

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I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:17 pm

Misti!!!
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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:22 pm

Savanna! From now on, beware of those pies with the perfect edges! GreenSmile

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I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:24 pm

LOL!! Hey, Misti.........Want to come over for some pie?? batEyes

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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:36 pm

Depends...do you still have your own teeth in your mouth? GreenSmile

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I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:29 pm

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD--Sorry if these have been posted before!

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that
mean that morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 08, 2008 2:31 pm

Those are great, Misti! ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 08, 2008 4:33 pm

Those are very punny. I've never heard them before. Thumbsup

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Alice ~ Lover of ALL animals God created ~ and Meerkats are so cute

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:15 am

Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

ROTFL

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SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 09, 2008 10:42 pm

, Rhonda!

Frontier Traveler Joined : 11 Mar 2008 Posts : 356 Mood :

Those are great. Do you come up with those yourself or do you find them somewhere?

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:26 am

Frontier Traveler Joined : 11 Mar 2008 Posts : 356 Mood :

That's just GREAT! Now I have to call Jay and Conan and tell them I have nothin' for them for next week! ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:02 pm

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evening s and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize soc ial gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything
they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
_________________

I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:15 am

How many does it take?

How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Part 1:

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:29 am

Management Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

ROTFL

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SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Rob's Insanity List Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:34 pm

This is how Rob maintains his healthy level of insanity:

1. At lunch time, he sits in his parked car with sunglasses on and points a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Pages himself over the intercom. Doesn't disguise his voice!

3. Every time someone asks him to do something, he'll ask if they want fries with that.

4. Puts Decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, he then switches to espresso.

5. Finishes all his sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

6. Skips down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks he gets.

7. Order a diet water whenever he goes out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that his drive-through order is 'To Go'

9. Sings along at the opera.

10. Puts mosquito netting around his work area and plays tropical sounds all day.

11. Five days in advance, tells his friends he can't attend their party because he has a headache.

12. When the money comes out the ATM, he screams 'I WON, I WON!'

13. When leaving the zoo, he starts running towards the parking lot, yelling 'RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY'RE LOOSE!'

Whistle

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"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:58 pm

Rob! Is that why you borrowed my hair dryer?? LaughingSmiley2

Lily, those are fabulous!
_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:59 pm

Rhonda........the management quotes! Applause

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:43 am

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Apr 19, 2008 3:17 pm

Larry's got a list, too! Other than having #9 in common, which is #7 in here, his list is shorter, so I guess he's saner than Rob (did I just say that with a straight face? Shifty

)

1. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In."

2. In the memo field of all your checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

3. Don't use any punctuation.

4. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

5. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

6. Tell Your Children Over Dinner , "Due To The Economy , We Are Going To Have To
Let One Of You Go."

7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go". (Especially at Taco Bell Whistle

).

8. In a busy store's parking lot in a parking spot near the front of the store, you pull out of the spot, pull back in and re-enter the store, aware that there are line of cars waiting for your spot.
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I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Frontier Traveler Joined : 11 Mar 2008 Posts : 356 Mood :

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . ; (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* To the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* To all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:11 am

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

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SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:26 pm

MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US!!!
The other day, a friend in my town read that a Meth lab had been found
in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county. He turned to me and asked
me a rhetorical question: "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you
and I were growing up?"

I told him that I did have a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card,did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a
single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's kids had this kind of drug problem, America would
be a better place. SAY AMEN!
_________________

I would fight for you...I'd lie for you...walk the wire for you... ya I'd die for you...you know its true...everything I do...I do it for you.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:02 am

On the Way to Heaven

One day Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

LaughingSmiley2

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