Little House on the Prairie

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:31 am

Driving Home Very Drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:29 am

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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:36 am

DUI - NORTH CAROLINA STYLE

Only a person in North Carolina could think of this From Catawba
County, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Hickory, North Carolina. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off a few
times; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his utter amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy." LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:41 am

Tightwad Flyers

Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started.

Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars."

So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks." OhMy

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 09, 2007 9:50 am

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:05 pm

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can"

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 10, 2007 4:45 am

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 10, 2007 4:45 am

Microsoft vs. GM

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

OhMy

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 10, 2007 7:32 am

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"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 11, 2007 5:57 am

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:36 am

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him. LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 12, 2007 6:55 am

Too funny Rhonda!!! ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 17, 2007 4:35 am

It Just Shows Stars

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." ROTFL

*******
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Apr 17, 2007 4:18 pm

Drunken Confession

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:19 am

How can I get to heaven?

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!" ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:19 am

Apprehension

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?" haha

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:08 am

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards were flying to a convention
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of
the window and make 156 million people very happy."

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 19, 2007 4:44 am

Worms

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!" bawling

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 19, 2007 8:06 am

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo at JFK
Airport in New York (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something
extra in it for you, says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when,after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph (remember he's German).

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads
the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,
and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said
the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John?"

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 19, 2007 8:11 am

Chris!!!
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:40 am

Keep Your Seat

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hippopotamus, New York

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:55 pm

Good ones, Rhonda and Chris! ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:59 pm

The bartender had been working at the English pub only a short while, but he already noticed that some of the customers had certain rituals they followed day after day. Like the one old-timer who came in and ordered five shots of whiskey at the same time every evening.

One night the bartender's curiosity got the better of him, so after he watched the old man drink down the whiskeys, he said to him, "I've noticed you always order five shots. Is there a story behind that?"

"Aye, lad, indeed there is," replied the old-timer. "Years ago, me and my four brothers used to stop in here for a drink after work. My brothers have all moved away to different towns, but for tradition's sake, I still drink one shot of whiskey for me and one for each of them."

A few weeks went by, and one evening the old man came in and ordered four shots of whiskey. The bartender served him, and after watching him swallow down the drinks, he said, "I notice only four shots tonight. I'm almost afraid to ask... did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"Nah, lad, my brothers is all fine," said the man. "It's me that's doin' poorly. Today my doctor told me I have to give up drinkin'."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Apr 21, 2007 8:24 am

Oh goodness!!! ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 27, 2007 5:38 am

Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

ROTFL

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