Post your Joke!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:50 am

Rhonda!! Those last three jokes are a HOOT!
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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 08, 2008 10:25 am

A young man approached another man trying to sell him a product "guaranteed to save him lots of money". The old man listened to his sales pitch and said, "Listen young man! It cost me $15,000 to trade my SUV for a small car to save money on gas. Then I spent another $10,000 to put siding on my house, which in addition to making my house look better, would save me money on my heating & cooling bills. Then I spent another $1,000 on conventional insulation to save more money on my heating & cooling. Then I spent another $2,000 on a new HE washer & dryer to save money on my electricity & water bills & another $700 on a new energy-efficient refrigerator."

"YOUNG MAN! I CANNOT AFFORD TO SAVE ANY MORE MONEY!!!" LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:18 am

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:33 am

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:36 am

LOVE IT!!!

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:36 am

Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

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Get a Blonde To Laugh.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!

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Lincoln?

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth
the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:56 pm

Good ones, Ashley!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:07 pm

This isn't really a "blonde joke" . . . . .but it sure made me laugh. A few years ago, a friend of mine (a blonde) said that she was thinking about dying her hair red or auburn. But she hadn't decided, because: "Once I dye it, there's no going back."

I asked "What do you mean?"
She said "Well, the package said that it's permanent dye. And I'm not sure if I want to be a red head for the rest of my life." Huh?

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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:37 pm

A small rural church was having a revival. As was the custom with those churches, members took turns having the evangelist & music director to their homes for supper/Sunday Dinner. On Sunday it was Farmer Smith's turn to host Sunday Dinner after Sunday Services. Mrs Smith had put on the nines, doing her best to impress her guests. Of course that meant a Sunday Dinner of fried chicken (from their farm of course), mashed potatoes/gravy, corn on the cob, apple pie, etc. After the service the evangelist, music director & the Smiths sat on the porch--belt loosened a notch or so. The evangelist couldn't help but notice Mr. Smith's rooster strutting around the yard, and said, "Mr. Smith, That is about the proudest strutting rooster I believe I've ever seen!"

Mr. Smith replied, "He is! And he should be too!" Then Farmer Smith put his hand on the guests' bellies and said, "...Afterall that rooster's 2 sons just got called into the ministry!" ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Aug 26, 2008 5:50 pm

Susie, I need to send that to my Pastor. He loves chicken - and loves chicken jokes.
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:58 am

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

ROTFL

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SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Aug 29, 2008 2:38 pm

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Lindsay Crouse in Lemon Sky

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Aug 31, 2008 9:09 am

Love it!

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'
LaughingSmiley2

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:53 am

Good one, Susie! haha

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Sep 03, 2008 9:48 am

OLYMPIC GAFFS - REALLY FUNNY

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?'
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"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:14 pm

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:54 pm

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:15 am

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

OhMy

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:29 am

RHONDA!!

Those are hilarious!
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:04 pm

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Sep 05, 2008 6:22 pm

Very funny, Rhonda! ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Sep 07, 2008 6:22 pm

A reporter was sent to a Walmart in Alabama, to cover a story about the sales of ammunition. Throughout the state, sales had soared, and stores were nearly sold out. When one of the customers was asked the reason why, he replied

"We heard about them Russians invading Georgia............ Well, they're not gonna get away with it here!"
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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:30 pm

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining roo m to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company. After a pause, the adjuster asked, 'Do you let him drive often?'

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear Factor.'

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone 'Hello,' she whispered. 'Hi, honey. How's your mother?' I asked. 'She's sleeping,' she answered, again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine,' my niece said softly. 'Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?' Again in a soft whisper, she answered, 'Practicing my trumpet.'

On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,' said another. 'No, me,' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, 'Their mother is.'

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up, 'How long was he missing?'

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. 'Hey, Jermon,' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chili.' Struggling to be polite, he said, 'If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it.'

My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you like,' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grand-mother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'
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"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:08 am

Good ones, Savannah and Misti! ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:13 am

Misti!! Those were hilarious!
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Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.