Post your Joke!

Savannah · "Psalm 34" Number of posts: 23357 Mood:

:Hahaha: WOW! I need to come here more often. I had missed some good jokes! Laughing

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Rob · Subject: Farm Kid in the Marines Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:43 pm

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Savannah · "Psalm 34" Number of posts: 23357 Mood:

:Hahaha: :Hahaha: *Wiping tears away from my eyes*

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:27 am

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"

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Rob · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:30 pm

Good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Oct 06, 2009 6:25 am

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:41 am

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffee cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

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Rob · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:19 pm

Rhonda, you always have the best jokes. (And that red X is supposed to be laughter.)

Savannah · "Psalm 34" Number of posts: 23357 Mood:

Ha!

How funny!!

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:21 am

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."

As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."

By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"

St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:56 am

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.

The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”

A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.”

The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.”

The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”

Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

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Savannah · "Psalm 34" Number of posts: 23357 Mood:

Rhonda!! I love that one!

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Oct 22, 2009 8:00 am

Church Bulletin Bloopers!

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

On Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the Pastor.

We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.

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Rob · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Oct 22, 2009 6:18 pm

Rhonda! I love those!

Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Oct 24, 2009 6:59 am

The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.

The organist thought before replying,” Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?”

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Oct 24, 2009 4:33 pm

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital..
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Rob · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 25, 2009 4:53 am

Rhonda, those are great! I especially like the 2nd and 3rd ones.

ingallsfan2008 · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:06 am

Rhonda those are very funny! laugh3

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Savannah · "Psalm 34" Number of posts: 23357 Mood:

Rhonda! Thanks for the laugh to start my day with.

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Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:17 am

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

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Rob · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:58 pm

I like that one, Rhonda!

Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:49 am

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

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Alice · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Nov 15, 2009 8:02 am

Very cute joke, Rhonda.

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He said life is made for you to live
The best love is the love that you give
There'll be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go
And I live by those words cause grandpa told me so

Rhonda · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:59 am

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't shut up.”

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Lori · Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Nov 17, 2009 4:49 pm

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