Post your Joke!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed May 23, 2007 5:42 am

Little Tim's Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed May 23, 2007 4:54 pm

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Old Dan Tucker Joined : 03 Sep 2006 Posts : 1663 Mood :

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri May 25, 2007 6:56 am

OUCH!
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon May 28, 2007 7:41 am

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed May 30, 2007 4:24 am

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu May 31, 2007 7:37 pm

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:49 am

Police News Headlines

- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

- Drunk gets nine months in violin case

- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

- Stolen Painting Found By Tree

- Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

- Police Discover Crack In Australia

- Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives

- Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:51 am

Wedding Vows

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ROTFL

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Old Dan Tucker Joined : 03 Sep 2006 Posts : 1663 Mood :

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a
large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later,
he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned
and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On
landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself
off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to
climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked
along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom
of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little
birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's
time we told him he was adopted?"

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Jun 16, 2007 7:13 am

Stop redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:31 am

A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
you?

Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." LaughingSmiley2

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Old Dan Tucker Joined : 03 Sep 2006 Posts : 1663 Mood :

Can't remember if I posted this one before. Didn't want Rhonda to have all the fun. Laughing

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
Men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
What the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
Sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
Gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
Came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
Instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
There stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:02 am

I need to remember that!!!!
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:30 am

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 19, 2007 2:53 pm

If the car ad claims........and what it really means
(!)Rough condition...........Too bad to lie about
(2)Parts car......................Beyond repair
(3)Immaculate.................Recently washed
(4)Engine quiet...............If you use 90-weight oil
(5)Needs minor overhaul......Needs engine
(6)Needs major overhaul......Phone the junkyard
(7)Burns no oil..............It all leaked out
(8)Rebuilt engine.........Cleaned spark plugs
(9)Drive it away..........I live on a hill
(10)Desirable classic......Nobody wants it
(11)Rare classic...........Nobody wanted it even when it was new
(12)Stored 20 years.......In a farmers field

LET THE BUYER BEWARE!
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DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:25 pm

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it...mainly because it was just a sew-sew job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker,but any way I sliced it,I
couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because
I just wasn't up to it.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician was interesting, but the work
was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got
a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in
it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
the patients to finish.

My very best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.
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GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE...
DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE!

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:48 am

LOVE THE PUNS SUSIE!!!

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
ROTFL

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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:01 am

Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.

"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:56 am

Those are to cute!!
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"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 26, 2007 5:40 am

Shingles

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:51 am

Good One Rhonda ROTFL

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:13 am

Sounds about right!
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"Do what you want but your never gonna break me...sticks & stones are never gonna shake me..."

Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jun 27, 2007 6:12 am

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[rotf]
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Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Jul 05, 2007 4:28 am

Two-by-fours

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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