That's so punny!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sat Mar 03, 2007 6:35 pm

Haha! Exactly! Applause

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sun Mar 04, 2007 4:12 pm

Misti! OMGoodness!! haha

_________________

LM

"If you can't be good, be good at it."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:17 am

Thanks for sending these, Rhonda!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter, she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson, he brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:31 am

Too funny
_________________

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:26 am

A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

- A backward poet writes inverse. Applause

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:42 am

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:09 pm

Too funny, Rhonda! Laughing

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:12 pm

My crowning glory as a punster came when my Aunt Ann got a case of, er... intestinal distress after eating some hot dogs for lunch. It was (drum roll): The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.

Thank you, thank you. It's all been downhill from there. Wink

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:05 pm

GOOD GRIEF ROB!!!!
_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:20 pm

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:10 am

More A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- Every calendar's days are numbered.

- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:39 am

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:05 pm

Rhonda........I LOVE those! . . . . And just when I needed a good laugh.
_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sun Mar 18, 2007 5:52 am

Still More A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
ROTFL

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sun Mar 18, 2007 10:05 am

You're killing me!! LaughingSmiley2

_________________

Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray.

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Sun Mar 18, 2007 7:40 pm

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Tue Mar 20, 2007 4:39 am

Did You Ever Wonder?

- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

LaughingSmiley2

_________________

SURVIVOR-10 YEAR REMISSION-APRIL 9, 1998-2008-CELEBRATE!

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:51 am

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
********************* *****************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************************************************
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Thu Apr 12, 2007 5:58 pm

Here are some more jokes...

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the rive! r then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American look ed at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Ti! mex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Thu Apr 12, 2007 5:59 pm

And some more...

They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
---------------------

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid
of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days
the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My
friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked
too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50." The next day someone stole it. They walk among us.
--------------

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one
of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where?" They Walk among us!
----------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
------------------

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!
--------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving." They Walk Among Us!
-----------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!
------------

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!
------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. They Walk Among Us!
----------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!
--------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would Like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm Hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!
--------

They walk among us, AND they reproduce!
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Thu Apr 12, 2007 6:35 pm

Those are great jokes! Misti's hot tonight! Applause

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Thu Apr 12, 2007 6:45 pm

Thank you, thank you! My next show will be at 11! ROTFL

_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."

Subject: Re: That's so punny! Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:01 am

Have I posted this before???

OL' SPOT

A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize.

As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?

There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful.

She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long,

Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize.

The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, " I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________

"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."