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Carol
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PostSubject: Post your Joke!   Wed Feb 21, 2007 8:11 pm

Let's have some laughs..... Post your jokes here.



=================

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)...

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was Ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins'in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those Were for "special occasions"(her second mistake)

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments For all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, Who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????
grinsmiley


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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Feb 22, 2007 2:50 pm

Applause

:ROTFL22:
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Feb 23, 2007 9:37 am

Pet Lovers Manifesto

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.





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Misti
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PostSubject: jokes   Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:26 pm


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Rob
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Mar 03, 2007 12:45 pm

Love it, Misti! Laughing
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Misti
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Mar 03, 2007 9:22 pm

Rob wrote:
Love it, Misti! Laughing

Thanks, Rob! Reminds me of something Mr. Edwards would say to Harriet.



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Rob
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Mar 03, 2007 9:35 pm

Haha! Exactly! Applause
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LM
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 04, 2007 7:12 pm

:haha: Misti! OMGoodness!! :haha:





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Misti
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Mar 06, 2007 11:17 am

Thanks for sending these, Rhonda!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter, she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson, he brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Carol
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Mar 06, 2007 11:31 am

ROTFL Too funny


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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 11, 2007 9:55 am

Write It Down

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,

I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast"
OhMy Laughing



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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 11, 2007 12:05 pm

ROTFL Those are hilarious!!
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Rob
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 11, 2007 4:02 pm

Applause Carol and Rhonda! Applause
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Rob
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:16 pm

During a war, three spies are captured by the enemy and sentenced to die before a firing squad. On the morning of the execution they take the first spy out of the holding cell, blindfold him, and put him up against the wall.

The firing squad shouders their rifles. The command comes: "Ready, aim..."

Suddenly the condemned man yells, "TORNADO!"

Panicked, the riflemen drop their guns and go running away in all directions. The prisoner manages to escape during the confusion.

"Hey, did you see that?" says one of the other condemned men to his cellmate, who happens to be a blonde.

"I don't get it," says the blonde.

"He yelled out the name of a natural disaster, then escaped when the firing squad ran away. I'm gonna try that!"

So they take the second man out and put him against the wall. "Ready, aim..."

"FLOOD!" shouts the condemned, and he escapes when the panicked soldiers go running.

"Oh, I get it!" says the blonde.

So they reassemble the riflemen and bring out the blonde. They put him up against the wall. "Ready, aim..."

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!"
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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:22 pm

ROTFL :blonde: (A very short-lived blonde moment)
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:17 am

Comfortable



Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )
ROTFL



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:19 am

SO.....glad that I am not blonde!!! ROTFL

Double-Decker Bus



A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.

A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
affraid ROTFL



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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:19 am

ROTFL
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Carol
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 11:48 am

ROTFL Thumbsup


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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 12:49 pm

Rhonda........my Mom loved the "Comfortable" joke. I think she laughed all morning about that one. ROTFL "Come for da bull......" LOL!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:01 pm

I LOVE THAT ONE TOO!!!! I was reading that this morning while drinking my cup of mocha........I almost had to wash off the monitor!!! :haha:



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ChristinaAL
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:46 pm

Rhonda wrote:
Write It Down

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,

I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast"
OhMy Laughing

ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL




"It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures and to be cheerful and have courage when things go wrong."
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 18, 2007 9:55 am

Sad News

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...

...and then the trouble started.


OhMy :unsure: Laughing



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:53 am

Bathroom Philosophers :haha:

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.



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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Mar 25, 2007 11:38 am

Savannah wrote:
Rhonda wrote:
Sad News

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...

...and then the trouble started.


OhMy :unsure: Laughing

:Hahaha: LOL!
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