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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 5:53 pm

If the car ad claims........and what it really means
(!)Rough condition...........Too bad to lie about
(2)Parts car......................Beyond repair
(3)Immaculate.................Recently washed
(4)Engine quiet...............If you use 90-weight oil
(5)Needs minor overhaul......Needs engine
(6)Needs major overhaul......Phone the junkyard
(7)Burns no oil..............It all leaked out
(8)Rebuilt engine.........Cleaned spark plugs
(9)Drive it away..........I live on a hill
(10)Desirable classic......Nobody wants it
(11)Rare classic...........Nobody wanted it even when it was new
(12)Stored 20 years.......In a farmers field

LET THE BUYER BEWARE!
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:25 pm



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
got canned...couldn't concentrate.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it...mainly because it was just a sew-sew job.


Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.


I attempted to be a deli worker,but any way I sliced it,I
couldn't cut the mustard.


Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because
I just wasn't up to it.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
fit in.


So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician was interesting, but the work
was shocking.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got
a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in
it.


I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
the patients to finish.

My very best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.


I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:48 am

LOVE THE PUNS SUSIE!!! Thumbsup

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

ROTFL



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PostSubject: jokes   Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:18 pm

I got these thru e-mail.

Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to...discourage him.



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:01 am

Clocks



A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.

"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:56 am

ROTFL
Those are to cute!!



"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 26, 2007 8:40 am

Shingles



Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
affraid ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 26, 2007 1:51 pm

ROTFL Good One Rhonda ROTFL
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 26, 2007 2:13 pm

Sounds about right!



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:12 am

Vacuum Salesman



An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


[rotf]



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:28 am

Two-by-fours ROTFL

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."





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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jul 07, 2007 2:44 pm

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it. “I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very
expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells
me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go
wrong?”



“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a
fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a
Christian.”



“What did you do?” asked the father.



“I turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi.



“And what did he say?” pressed the father.



“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me...’ “
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:08 pm

:Hahaha: LOVE IT! LOVE IT!!!



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:11 am

Why don't vampires bite clowns?

Answer: because they taste funny, lol.

What does a pig put on a cut?

Answer: oinkment

I got these off of laffy taffy wrappers, lol. They are simple, but cute.

Beckie


LETS GO PENS!
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:19 am

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir." replied te Trooper. ROTFL





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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jul 21, 2007 5:52 am

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband, “you can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told
him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why
would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only
$150?” The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jul 21, 2007 9:53 am

:haha: Rhonda and Larry!

A hitchhiker is out on the road when a blonde driver pulls over. "Hop in!" she says, "You're my second hitchhiker today!"

He looks in the back and sees a guy curled up on the seat in the fetal position. He's deathly pale and shaking from head to toe. The hitchhiker doesn't have a chance to talk about him though, because as soon as he's buckled in, the blonde mashes down on the gas pedal and roars off down the road.

"Er, excuse me," he says, "Don't you think you're driving a little too fast?"

"Not at all," chirps the blonde. "This is County Road 70, so I'm going 70 mph."

"Well... that's just the name of the road," he replies. "It doesn't mean you can drive that fast."

"Really?? Well I'll be darned! I guess you learn something new every day!"

The hitchhiker looks at the guy in the backseat again. "By the way, what's his problem?" he asks. "He doesn't look too good."

"I think he's some kind of nut," says the blonde. "He's been like that ever since I picked him up on Highway 140."
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:10 am

:Hahaha:



"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Jul 26, 2007 7:27 am

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?" affraid


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful
Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Jul 27, 2007 7:38 am

Car Accident



As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Misstep



I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Third Biggest Lie



Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."




ROTFL ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:10 pm

Rhonda, you always have the best jokes! Applause
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:58 pm

I haven't come in this thread for too long.......you all are posting some laugh-out-loud funny ones! :Hahaha:
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Aug 01, 2007 2:10 pm

Spelling to get into Heaven



A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for

Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.



She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her

parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you!

We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."



When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a

wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter

told her.



"Which word?" the woman asked.



"Love."



The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into

Heaven.



About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to

watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.



While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband

arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"



"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told

her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you

were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little

house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I

traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went

water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

How do I get in?"



"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.



"Which word?" her husband asked.



"Czechoslovakia."
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:24 am

Love it Larry!!! ROTFL


Cops Say the Darndest Things! :haha:


#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Aug 02, 2007 12:03 pm

Rhonda wrote:


#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!
lol
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