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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:38 am

Three-legged chicken



Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.

Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."


ROTFL ROTFL



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georgiagirl1993
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Aug 04, 2007 8:14 pm

ROTFL



"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:22 am

Young and Foolish



A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"


OhMy Laughing



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:35 pm


New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule :? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his rear will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.


New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two bags.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Aug 18, 2007 9:57 pm

Quote :
New Rule :
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
lol
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:45 am

A Dollar for Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
:haha:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Sep 06, 2007 7:15 am

How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly."How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."



ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL


Little Johnny's new baby brother



Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
:haha: :haha:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:33 am

A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit



A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"




:haha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Sep 07, 2007 11:21 pm

ROTFL

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN:

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them?

The elevator stops on every floor, but nobody gets on?

You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in?

There's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING?

You can NEVER put anything back in the box the way it came?

When you get back in your car after talking with someone you
very rarely see, you notice that you had lipstick on your FRONT teeth?

You slice your tongue licking an envelope?

Your tire gauge lets half the air out of your tire, when you
try to see how low your tires are?

There are ALWAYS one or two ice cubes that just won't pop out?

And finally....Don't you just hate it when:

You take a shower, rub on hand cream, and CAN'T turn the
bathroom doorknob to get out?
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:30 am

Final Exam



Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to
Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?




ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Oct 06, 2007 11:55 am

Correction ROTFL



Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Oct 11, 2007 7:12 am

School Bus Ride

It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.

After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.

"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."


:haha:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Oct 29, 2007 7:23 am

Cows and Bulls



A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.

All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.

Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
ROTFL



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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:16 pm

:Hahaha: "We bulls....." :Hahaha:
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EllieJane
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon Oct 29, 2007 2:10 pm

HAH :haha: ROTFL
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Nov 01, 2007 7:37 am

Tech Support



One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.
ROTFL



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EllieJane
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:18 pm

LOL ROTFL
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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:58 pm

:Hahaha: Rhonda!
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:01 am

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,�

"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:40 am

:Hahaha: AMEN SISTAH!!!



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Savannah
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:41 am

:Hahaha:
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Misti
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:44 am

This isn't exactly a joke, but Rhonda sent it to me and I found it hilarious. Please excuse me if its already been on here before!

I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!



All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...
right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIII IPPP!!!!
I am blinded!!! Blinded from pain!!!
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe.....
OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy
pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip..it's not!

I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shu t!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"


What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!! !*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter... 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!

It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...... ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Dec 18, 2007 7:59 am

ROTFL , Misti!

I was in pain through the whole story. And I don't even have a hoo-ha. batEyes
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:18 am

Huh? So glad you gave me the credit Misti....there was a reason I sent it through email and not posting it in the forum!!!! ROTFL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Animal Crackers



A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
:haha:



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Misti
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Dec 18, 2007 10:23 am

Sorry, Rhonda! But it was too good to pass up! Next time I'll double check to see. batEyes grinsmiley



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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