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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Apr 18, 2007 7:19 am

Apprehension

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
:haha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed Apr 18, 2007 1:08 pm

:Hahaha: :Hahaha: :Hahaha: Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards were flying to a convention
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of
the window and make 156 million people very happy."




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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:44 am

Worms

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
bawling

ROTFL ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:06 am

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo at JFK
Airport in New York (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb.


"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"


"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."


"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.


"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something
extra in it for you, says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel.


The driver quickly regrets his decision when,after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph (remember he's German).


"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads
the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,
and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.


The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.


"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said
the cop.


The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."


Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John?"

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:11 am

:Hahaha: Chris!!!



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 20, 2007 7:40 am

Keep Your Seat :unsure:



A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hippopotamus, New York :haha:



A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:55 pm

Good ones, Rhonda and Chris! ROTFL
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:59 pm

The bartender had been working at the English pub only a short while, but he already noticed that some of the customers had certain rituals they followed day after day. Like the one old-timer who came in and ordered five shots of whiskey at the same time every evening.

One night the bartender's curiosity got the better of him, so after he watched the old man drink down the whiskeys, he said to him, "I've noticed you always order five shots. Is there a story behind that?"

"Aye, lad, indeed there is," replied the old-timer. "Years ago, me and my four brothers used to stop in here for a drink after work. My brothers have all moved away to different towns, but for tradition's sake, I still drink one shot of whiskey for me and one for each of them."

A few weeks went by, and one evening the old man came in and ordered four shots of whiskey. The bartender served him, and after watching him swallow down the drinks, he said, "I notice only four shots tonight. I'm almost afraid to ask... did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"Nah, lad, my brothers is all fine," said the man. "It's me that's doin' poorly. Today my doctor told me I have to give up drinkin'."

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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:24 am

Oh goodness!!! ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:38 am

Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work



1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for
reinforcements.



ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:10 pm

Ha! Good list, Rhonda! grinsmiley
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:54 pm

lol Rhonda Applause ROTFL


NEW WORDS OF WISDOM FROM KIDS


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Apr 28, 2007 11:22 am

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

:Hahaha: Oh, this statement is SO true......Little Anita has been paying attention.....like someone else said to her.....Bless you child! :haha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue May 01, 2007 7:29 am


Card Game

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "

"A rose?" asked Red.

"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
:unsure: ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue May 01, 2007 12:42 pm

I love that! Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 02, 2007 7:28 am

Conducting A Music Class

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."





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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 02, 2007 7:32 am

Dinosaur Plumbing

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.

However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
ROTFL




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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 02, 2007 7:33 am

An oldie, but still worth a laugh!!! ROTFL

Water in the Carburetor

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."
:Hahaha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun May 06, 2007 9:01 am

Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
:Hahaha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 07, 2007 10:15 am

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave.":Hahaha:



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue May 08, 2007 8:44 am

A Very Dirty Little Fellow

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


Shopping Methodology

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."


Car Accident

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."




ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue May 08, 2007 10:25 am

Laughing ROTFL


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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 09, 2007 7:36 am

Car Sale

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat May 12, 2007 10:26 am

How Do You Get To Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
ROTFL



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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat May 12, 2007 8:37 pm

Rhonda, You've been moonlighting at some comedy place haven't you????? All I know is some jokes from Madison's several joke books....( when he began reading thats ALL he would read!)

A police officer stops a lady who is driving with a penguin in the back seat of her car.
"This is illegal. You need to take the animal to the zoo," he says. The next day he sees her with the penguin again.
Officer: "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo."
Lady: "I did. Today I'm taking him to the beach!"




It is the lack of Christianity that has brought us where we are. Not a lack of churches or religious forms but of the real thing in our hearts. LIW.....Words From a Fearless Heart
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Today at 1:08 am

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