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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 14, 2007 9:14 am

:haha: Gin!

Who Is The Most Obedient?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
ROTFL



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Carol
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu May 17, 2007 2:45 pm



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat May 19, 2007 11:54 am

Microsoft Air

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."





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Gin
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun May 20, 2007 3:33 pm

He! He! Ho! HO! HA!.......I'm dizzy!
And to think Bill Gates was such a smart guy!!!!


...OK....----A duck walks into a drugstore and asked for a tube of lip balm. " Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Just put it on my bill." the duck replied.




It is the lack of Christianity that has brought us where we are. Not a lack of churches or religious forms but of the real thing in our hearts. LIW.....Words From a Fearless Heart
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun May 20, 2007 4:16 pm

LOL You QUACK me up!!!



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Rob
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sun May 20, 2007 8:12 pm

Waddle she think of next? :shifty:
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 21, 2007 7:37 am

I'm not sure, but she might ruffle your tail feathers if she tries. :unsure:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 21, 2007 7:39 am

Lovely Girl

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl." Laughing


Homework Help

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?" ROTFL

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
ROTFL



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Gin
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 21, 2007 1:02 pm

Alvin: "Did you hear about the TV antennas that got married?"

Mark: "No. How was the wedding?"

Alvin:" I heard the reception was great."




It is the lack of Christianity that has brought us where we are. Not a lack of churches or religious forms but of the real thing in our hearts. LIW.....Words From a Fearless Heart
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue May 22, 2007 7:22 am

Counterfeiter

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

:haha:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 23, 2007 8:42 am

Little Tim's Goldfish



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."


ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL



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Last edited by on Thu May 24, 2007 7:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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Carol
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 23, 2007 7:54 pm

ROTFL


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flatbroke
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri May 25, 2007 9:46 am

Rhonda wrote:
Little Tim's Goldfish



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."


ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL





ROTFL
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Fri May 25, 2007 9:56 am

OUCH! :unsure:



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Mon May 28, 2007 10:41 am

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"


ROTFL



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Wed May 30, 2007 7:24 am

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."




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edwina
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Thu May 31, 2007 10:37 pm

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jun 09, 2007 10:49 am

Police News Headlines

- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

- Drunk gets nine months in violin case

- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

- Stolen Painting Found By Tree

- Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

- Police Discover Crack In Australia

- Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives

- Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing


ROTFL ROTFL



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jun 09, 2007 10:51 am

:Hahaha: Wedding Vows

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
ROTFL



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flatbroke
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:29 pm

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a
large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later,
he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned
and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On
landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself
off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to
climb.



About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked
along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom
of the tree, sighed and started climbing.



Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little
birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's
time we told him he was adopted?"
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Sat Jun 16, 2007 10:13 am

Stop redundancy OhMy Laughing

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.



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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:31 am

A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
you?

Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
:Hahaha: :Hahaha: :Hahaha:



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flatbroke
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:57 am

Can't remember if I posted this one before. Didn't want Rhonda to have all the fun.Laughing


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
Men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
What the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
Sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
Gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
Came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
Instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
There stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
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Rhonda
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:02 am

ROTFL I need to remember that!!!! :Hahaha:



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Misti
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Tue Jun 19, 2007 10:30 am

Rhonda wrote:
ROTFL I need to remember that!!!! :Hahaha:

In everyone's mind, they can rename it, "Ode to _____ (Insert appropriate name here)."



"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Today at 12:20 pm

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