Post your Joke!

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Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Lily wrote:

OLYMPIC GAFFS - REALLY FUNNY

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

Those are great, Lily! I know I've stuck my foot in my mouth a time or two, so I can relate!

Very funny, Rhonda!

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining roo m to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company. After a pause, the adjuster asked, 'Do you let him drive often?'

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear Factor.'

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone 'Hello,' she whispered. 'Hi, honey. How's your mother?' I asked. 'She's sleeping,' she answered, again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine,' my niece said softly. 'Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?' Again in a soft whisper, she answered, 'Practicing my trumpet.'

On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,' said another. 'No, me,' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, 'Their mother is.'

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up, 'How long was he missing?'

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. 'Hey, Jermon,' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chili.' Struggling to be polite, he said, 'If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it.'

My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you like,' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grand-mother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'

Good ones, Savannah and Misti!

LOL at the Paul Newman one.

Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

Rhonda, like "Dr. Spleen," this one took me a few minutes to get. Love it!

:Hahaha:

YEP.....com......for.....ta......ble.........! :Hahaha:

(If this offends anyone let me know and I'll delete it.)

Maxine's solutions:

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!


Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' i n a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians- it creates a hostile work environment.

Misti and Rhonda!

I love that one!

And it kinda goes with my avatar... :shifty:

Sports Car Dreams


A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

:Hahaha: