Post your Joke!

This one may be already posted...not sure!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see..' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

Too funny!

Baptist Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

:Hahaha::Hahaha::Hahaha:

After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did.""And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Two great jokes, Rhonda! Somehow I missed seeing the one before this.

Blonde on a Plane

A blonde is on a transatlantic flight. Halfway across the ocean, the pilot comes on the intercom and makes an announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We've encountered a mechanical problem - one of the engines has stopped working. We're in no danger, since we still have three perfectly functional engines. But I'm afraid it means we'll be landing an hour later than expected."

Not long after, the pilot comes on again:

"Engine number two has also shut down. There's no cause for alarm, since we still have two other working engines. But we'll be landing two hours later than planned."

Soon, yet another announcement, and this time there's a trace of fear in the pilot's voice:

"We've lost engine number three. We still have one good engine, so we're in no danger... I hope. But we'll be landing three hours later than expected."

Moments later the pilot comes on again, this time in full-blown panic:

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY! WE'VE LOST OUR LAST ENGINE! MAYDAY!"

The blonde turns to her seatmate and says, "Oh great, now we're gonna be up here all day!"

:Hahaha: OH MY GOSH ROB!!!

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They all line up, and God asks the first person what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous." God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." God snaps his fingers again and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, with each one asking to be gorgeous. When God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, still laughing.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."


:Hahaha::Hahaha::Hahaha:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master,Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Rhonda!

:Hahaha: :Hahaha: *Wiping tears away from my eyes*

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"

Good one, Rhonda!

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Rhonda, you always have the best jokes. (And that red X is supposed to be laughter.)

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.

The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”

A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.”

The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.”

The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”

Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

Church Bulletin Bloopers!

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

On Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the Pastor.

We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.

Rhonda! I love those!