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Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

Oh that one.

Interpreting the Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

"Freddie was in church for the first time.He watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they reached the pew he was sitting on, he piped up,"Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under 5."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Love that one!

Yeah, first time, I saw the joke. I saw it, on other forum. So, I wanted share on here. I'll love to see the guys face. After blonde lady say "I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Warning: Pun Ahead

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
...
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

These were true stories of weird & wacky births.


Labor Relations

A couple who didn't speak English came in ready to deliver. The man kept trying to get out of the delivery room, but we kept insisting he had to stay for moral support. When the baby emerged, I turned the man's head so his eyes were on the delivery. Unfortunately, the next day I found out that he wasn't the woman's husband. He was her brother.
Marilee, nurse
Hamilton, Ohio

Bottomed Out

A mom wouldn't budge from the toilet because she felt a bowel movement coming -- a common sensation when it's time to push. I was trying to coax her back to the delivery table so the baby wouldn't land headfirst in the water. Finally she lunged for the table but ended up wedged, squatting, between the table and the wall. I didn't want the baby to hit the floor, so I had to slide under the bed on my back, like an auto mechanic changing a muffler. I finally caught the baby on a pillow.
Elan, MD, ob-gyn
St. Louis, Missouri

Deliver the Truth

Distraught that baby number four was a girl -- again! -- one dad threw his hands up in the air and said, "As soon as we're leaving here, we're trying again!" The mom and I both yelled, "Oh, yeah? You'll be doing it alone then!" While I delivered the placenta, I asked a nurse to draw a diagram for him, showing how it's the sperm that actually determines gender. He was much more subdued after that.
Margaret, nurse-midwife
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Not a Prayer

At his wife's first delivery, a minister passed out and fell to the floor. At their second delivery, we had a chair ready to catch him. He got into it, but then he fell off. The third time around, we put some linens on the floor to break his fall. When he started to look faint, we had him get down on his hands and knees. As the baby was delivered, he threw his hands up in the air, screaming, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"
Edward, MD, ob-gyn
Greenwich, Connecticut

Clothes Call

The call button went off in one of the patient bathrooms, so I rushed in to make sure the mom was okay. Standing in front of me, alone and stark naked, was her husband. He had been about to take a shower and didn't know that he had accidentally triggered the call button.
Tammy, obstetric technician
Hamilton, Ohio

Boy, What a Shock

I assisted with a C-section on a mom who already had five daughters. Her ultrasounds had shown that this one was a girl too. Suddenly, out came a boy! The baby's dad was so blown away that he reached over, took off his wife's oxygen mask, and stuck it on himself.
Nan, nurse
Akron, Ohio

Point, Click, and Push

Eager to have her baby's birth captured on film, a mom started to get pretty annoyed when her husband, who was manning the camera, got woozy and sat down. She couldn't coax him out of his daze, so she grabbed the camera and started snapping away herself -- while pushing the baby out.
Cindy, nurse
West Columbia, South Carolina

Air of Authority

A patient was having trouble pushing. Her belly was numb from the epidural so I told her to push hard enough that she could feel it in her chest. I was demonstrating so intensely that I passed gas -- really loudly. I told her, "See, if you push, things happen down there!" She laughed so hard that she ended up giving birth to her baby in hysterics.
Sherry, nurse
St. Louis, Missouri

Wedding Day

One Valentine's Day, a couple wearing very fancy clothes walked into the maternity ward. They had been on their way to get married, when the woman had suddenly gone into labor. They were very upset because they really wanted to tie the knot before the baby arrived. I asked if they had the marriage license on them, and they did. I quickly called the hospital chaplain and drafted their obstetrician as the best man. I brushed my hair, put on makeup, and became a bridesmaid. We had the wedding right there in the hospital within a half hour of their arrival, and their daughter made her appearance 10 minutes later.
Brigitte, nurse
Houston, Texas

Tough Negotiator

A mom who was in labor with her second child insisted on holding her screaming 15-month-old throughout the delivery. Then, when it was time to push, she refused to do it unless we gave her a drink of water -- something laboring moms are not supposed to have. So she used one sip as a negotiating tool for each push.
Umma, nurse
Oakland, California

Jarring Reaction

A dad called in to inform us that his wife's water had broken. We told him to hurry to the hospital. He arrived quickly, holding a jar of her amniotic fluid. Unfortunately, he left the wife at home.
Carolyn, nurse
Rockville, Maryland

Get a Grip

A baby waiting to be born was in a funny position -- head down but with her hand up by her head. As the doctor was checking the mom, the baby grabbed the OB's hand and would not let go!
Sheri, doula
Carlsbad, California

1, 2, 3, Jump!

On her way to the maternity ward, a mom stood up from her wheelchair and the baby fell right out of her body. He was just dangling from the umbilical cord. We called him the bungee-cord baby.
Kathy, nurse
Centerville, Virginia

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


**I used to work for 4 different lawyers, so this is especially funny!!!

The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century." Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?" The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good ones, Ruth!

In the Bath

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
Mommy's Way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.

In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Parents

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
The Worms

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
Mommy Ate It

For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
The Seagull

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"