Aviation Jokes

Subject: Aviation Jokes Sat Aug 27, 2011 6:47 am

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfectlanding:

'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

'We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.'

'Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know.'

'Last one off the plane must clean it'

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – (-removed-)” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

It used to be that an airplane had to have three or four engines to fly really long distances over water. With the A330, B777, B767, and B757, only two engines are now required to fly those really long legs, provided it can safely fly on one engine for a certain duration and distance.
So when a new pilot asked a veteran pilot what ETOPS stood for, the veteran replied, it's an acronym: E ngines T urning--O r P assengers S wimming!!!

Subject: Re: Aviation Jokes Sat Aug 27, 2011 6:49 am

UPS "fix it requests"
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one,

After ever flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the for, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead Bugs on Windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot Reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME Volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engin found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in Cockpit
S: Cat Installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Subject: Re: Aviation Jokes Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:32 pm

“Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it... Yet.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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