Post your Joke!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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:Hahaha:

:Hahaha:

DUI - NORTH CAROLINA STYLE

Only a person in North Carolina could think of this From Catawba
County, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Hickory, North Carolina. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off a few
times; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his utter amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy." :Hahaha:

Tightwad Flyers

Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started.

Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars."

So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."

:Hahaha: :Hahaha:

:Hahaha:

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can"

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Microsoft vs. GM

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him. :Hahaha:

Too funny Rhonda!!!

Here are some more jokes...

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the rive! r then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American look ed at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Ti! mex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

And some more...

They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
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A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid
of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days
the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My
friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked
too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50." The next day someone stole it. They walk among us.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one
of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where?" They Walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving." They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!
------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. They Walk Among Us!
----------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would Like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm Hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!
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They walk among us, AND they reproduce!

Those are great jokes! Misti's hot tonight!

Thank you, thank you! My next show will be at 11!

Have I posted this before???

OL' SPOT


A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize.

As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.


When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.


A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?


There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."


She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."


He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."


After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful.


She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.


Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long,

Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.


The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.


After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize.


The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, " I think everything will be fine now, and he left."


They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It Just Shows Stars

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

*******

Drunken Confession

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

How can I get to heaven?

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"