Post your Joke!

Good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda!

I might've told this once before, but it's a keeper.

Three female CIA agents - a brunette, a redhead and a blonde - were captured by the enemy and sentenced to the firing squad. On the morning of the execution, the redhead and blonde were kept in a nearby holding cell while the brunette was brought out to meet her fate.

They stood her up against a wall as the firing squad took their positions. "Ready...!" called the squad leader, "Aim...!"

"Tornado!" shouted the brunette.

The squad dropped their guns and ran around in a panic. "Tornado? There's a tornado?? Ahh! Run for your lives!" In the confusion, the brunette escaped.

The redhead and blonde watched from their cell. "Did you see that?" said the redhead. "She tricked them! Watch, I'm going to do the same thing!"

Eventually the firing squad regrouped, and they brought the redhead out. "Ready...! Aim...!"

"Flood!" yelled the redhead.

Once again, the executioners dropped their guns. "A flood? Oh no, everybody run!" In the panic, the redhead escaped.

They came to their senses and regrouped again, and brought the blonde out. They stood her against the wall and the squad shouldered their rifles. "Ready...! Aim...!"

And the blonde triumphantly threw her head back and screamed, "Fire!"

On a flight to New York, a blonde passenger suddenly left the tourist section, walked into first class, and sat down in an empty seat.

The flight attendant approached her and said, "I'm sorry, Miss, but you don't have a first class ticket. You'll have to back to tourist."

"I'm blonde and beautiful," said the passenger, "so I can sit anywhere I want."

The flight attendant went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot. "You say she's a blonde?" he said. "I think I can handle it."

He went back and whispered a few words to the blonde. Immediately she stood up and scurried back to the tourist section.

When the pilot came back to the cockpit, the flight attendant asked, "What did you say to her?"

"Oh," said the pilot, "I told her that first class wasn't going to New York."

I love that!!

Another visual joke....I really need to look for another line of jokes to share, but these keep getting sent to me!

The Healing Touch of Christ


Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?"

"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability."

An 80 year old woman was being interviewed on a Talk Show as she was marrying for the 4th time Intrigued, the talk show host asked what the occupations of her former husbands had been? "Well" she said, the first was a banker second, a circus ring master, thrid, a preacher, and my fiancee is an undertaker." Surprised at the variety of occupations the host asked why she had married men with such different Vocations. She replied "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!"

Found on a bumper sticker....

"Dyslexic Satanists, Sell Their Souls To SANTA"

Why does the ocean roar?

Because It has crabs on its bottom!

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7 early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs. The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7. The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker

I'm pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruits to religious nuts.

Glory Be Unto the Father

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."


I have always heard it as the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost!!! I love this one!!!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



I have to say I do it the way the male does it.....I don't hang around the ATM that long.....

Good one, Rhonda!