Post your Joke!

The Ten Pound Note.......Hilarious!

I did NOT see that coming! 

Very cute, Rhonda!

I thought I'd share this here, because it gave me such a laugh at work today....

An elderly man came through my lane today when one of the cashiers needed backup, and he said, "I have a joke just for you! Don't worry - it's clean." ( That IS appreciated.)

He said,

"An older man was lonely, depressed and feeling very poorly, so he went to the doctor. The doctor checked him over, and gave him some instructions to follow, and told him to come back in six months. Six months later, the older man went to the doctor's office a changed man. He was singing, had a beautiful girlfriend, and seemed to not have a care in the world. The doctor said, "I can't believe the difference! What did you DO?" The man replied, "I just followed your instructions. You said to get a hot mama and be carefree." The doctor said, "No. I said you have a heart murmur, and be careful!""  

THREE KINDS OF COWBOYS

1. The ones that learn by reading.
2. The few that learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence by themselves.

"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!"

"I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich."

Dave, you must be butter, 'cause you're on a roll. 

Oops! Wrong Slot!

A fact you won't soon forget...

Researchers for the  Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.     
           
A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.         
      
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.  By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. 

He very quickly concluded the cause:  When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.  They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."     


      

Rhonda.

"Herman"!  I loved that comic!

Davetucson wrote:

      

Good One Rhonda!

The Preacher's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

A husband and wife are sitting on the porch, having a chat.

"Tell me, honey," says the wife, "if something happened to me, would you remarry?"

The husband thinks about it and says, "Yes, I suppose I would.  After all, I'm used to the married life."

"And would you and your new wife live together in our house?"

"Well... sure.  I mean, why not? It's a perfectly good house."

The wife is getting a bit peeved.  "And would you sleep together in our bed?"

"Well, yeah.  We'd be married after all."

"And would you let her use my golf clubs??"

"Of course not.  She's left-handed."

This was on Reddit today:

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one because we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is he a nagger?"

"Oh, heck no!  He's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, how about if you just tell me why you want a divorce?”

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "My husband does. The darned fool says he can't communicate with me."