Post your Joke!

What Do You Get When....

Q. What do you get when you have a hot dog and a mug of beer?

A. Your very own Frankenstein


Q. What do you Get when you mix cornbread with herbes de provence?

A. a corny treat from southern France

I'll love to see the dad's face after the mom said, you know, she can only reach the toilet water.

hahah That's hilarious!!

A blonde went to see her doctor.

"Doc," she said, "I've been very short-tempered lately. I fight with my husband, yell at my kids... you have to help me!"

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "And nothing beats stress like good old-fashioned exercise."

"Exercise?"

"Sure. You look pretty athletic. I'd recommend running for you. In fact, I'd like you to run ten miles a day. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are working out."

So the blonde went home, and two weeks later she called the doctor.

"Well, doc, I did what you said. I've run ten miles a day for the past two weeks."

"Wonderful! And how are you getting along with your family?"

"How should I know?" answered the blonde. "I'm 140 miles from home."

Oh my gosh Rob!

A friend of my Mom's sent this to her and she read it to me. It was too funny not to share!


ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)


TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me
put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they
keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smerk on her face as I left)


THREE


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run--anywhere.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat supper at 5 PM.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!


Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night !

Good ones!

A coworker gave this to me today when I was grumpy..it did make me laugh. I'm surprised I didn't see it before.


Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.He was 71.Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven.The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to
his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a
redhead. Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head. The
boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!." The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."


EDITED BY MODERATOR

Bibles to Boats


A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? WHAT???? What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"

An Unusual Nativity


A religious education class was almost finished making their models of the nativity scene and one little boy had done a lovely job. Some animals, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and shepherds were all there. However, the teacher noticed an extra, rather overweight man in the scene as well.

“Who is that person?” she asked.

“Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”