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| Post your Joke! | |
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Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:15 am | |
| How many does it take?
How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Part 1:
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 18, 2008 7:29 am | |
| Management Quotes A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.
Here are the top ten finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive) CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Lily "Beautiful Life"
Number of posts : 6784 Location : In the town shopping Mood :
| Subject: Rob's Insanity List Fri Apr 18, 2008 10:34 pm | |
| This is how Rob maintains his healthy level of insanity: 1. At lunch time, he sits in his parked car with sunglasses on and points a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Pages himself over the intercom. Doesn't disguise his voice! 3. Every time someone asks him to do something, he'll ask if they want fries with that. 4. Puts Decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, he then switches to espresso. 5. Finishes all his sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.' 6. Skips down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks he gets. 7. Order a diet water whenever he goes out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify that his drive-through order is 'To Go'
9. Sings along at the opera. 10. Puts mosquito netting around his work area and plays tropical sounds all day.
11. Five days in advance, tells his friends he can't attend their party because he has a headache.
12. When the money comes out the ATM, he screams 'I WON, I WON!' 13. When leaving the zoo, he starts running towards the parking lot, yelling 'RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY'RE LOOSE!' :Hahaha: "Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."
Last edited by Lily on Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:04 pm; edited 3 times in total | |
| | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 18, 2008 10:58 pm | |
| :Hahaha: Rob! Is that why you borrowed my hair dryer?? :Hahaha: Lily, those are fabulous! | |
| | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| | | | Rob Nip it in the bud!
Number of posts : 62635 Location : Michigan Mood :
| | | | Misti Red Hummingbird
Number of posts : 4112 Location : Texas Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Apr 19, 2008 2:17 pm | |
| Larry's got a list, too! Other than having #9 in common, which is #7 in here, his list is shorter, so I guess he's saner than Rob (did I just say that with a straight face? :shifty: ) 1. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In." 2. In the memo field of all your checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds". 3. Don't use any punctuation. 4. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 5. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 6. Tell Your Children Over Dinner , "Due To The Economy , We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go". (Especially at Taco Bell ). 8. In a busy store's parking lot in a parking spot near the front of the store, you pull out of the spot, pull back in and re-enter the store, aware that there are line of cars waiting for your spot. "I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..." | |
| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:27 pm | |
| 9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . ; (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* To the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* To all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true. |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:11 am | |
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| | | Misti Red Hummingbird
Number of posts : 4112 Location : Texas Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:26 pm | |
| MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US!!! The other day, a friend in my town read that a Meth lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county. He turned to me and asked me a rhetorical question: "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I told him that I did have a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card,did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's kids had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. SAY AMEN! "I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..." | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| | | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:16 pm | |
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| | | Trixie Frontier Traveler
Number of posts : 425 Location : California Mood :
| | | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri May 09, 2008 9:29 am | |
| Dead Rabbit This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Carol Adventure Seeker
Number of posts : 8665 Location : California Country Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed May 14, 2008 12:48 pm | |
| A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu May 15, 2008 11:33 am | |
| Off-Duty An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt. CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu May 15, 2008 11:47 am | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed May 28, 2008 9:18 am | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:29 am | |
| For Northerners Moving South :think: - If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
- Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
- Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
- Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
- Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
- In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
- If you do settle in the South and have children, don't think that they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits. CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Misti Red Hummingbird
Number of posts : 4112 Location : Texas Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:28 pm | |
| Why Men are Just Happier People!!
NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah . If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Farmers. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..
CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats. The cats keep coming back for more; prefering to be around men.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man knows about what time they got home last night, what really happened to the car fender, the boy/girl sneaking out of their bedrooms early in the morning, how drunk they got at the last party and that he is who they call when they are in real trouble.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering them all!!! "I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..." | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:15 am | |
| The Older Golfer "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot." :Hahaha: :Hahaha: CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | JW Isaiah Edwards
Number of posts : 9016 Location : Life is short! embrace it with a SMILE. Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:56 am | |
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| | | Misti Red Hummingbird
Number of posts : 4112 Location : Texas Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:04 pm | |
| What is Butt Dust? What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" "I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..." | |
| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:52 pm | |
| I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little sh.. |
| | | Carol Adventure Seeker
Number of posts : 8665 Location : California Country Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:18 pm | |
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