Post your Joke!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The check-out-chick rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Amongst Us

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Amongst Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
They Walk Amongst Us

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Amongst Us

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern Standard time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, yes.'
They Walk Amongst Us

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
They Walk Amongst Us

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that VB slabs were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 slabs. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Amongst Us

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Amongst Us

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small takeaway pizza. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.'
They Walk Amongst Us

......... and they Reproduce, and Worst of all ............

THEY VOTE !!!!!

Batter Up!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you , it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Good one, Misti!

Chicken Farmer



An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."



:Hahaha: :Hahaha:

Oh my gosh! LOL

Strange Problem



A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."



:Hahaha:

:haha:

Sky Dive



A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

A young man approached another man trying to sell him a product "guaranteed to save him lots of money". The old man listened to his sales pitch and said, "Listen young man! It cost me $15,000 to trade my SUV for a small car to save money on gas. Then I spent another $10,000 to put siding on my house, which in addition to making my house look better, would save me money on my heating & cooling bills. Then I spent another $1,000 on conventional insulation to save more money on my heating & cooling. Then I spent another $2,000 on a new HE washer & dryer to save money on my electricity & water bills & another $700 on a new energy-efficient refrigerator."

"YOUNG MAN! I CANNOT AFFORD TO SAVE ANY MORE MONEY!!!" :Hahaha: :Hahaha: :Hahaha:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
:Hahaha:

:faint2:

:Hahaha: LOVE IT!!!



Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get a Blonde To Laugh.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lincoln?

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Good ones, Ashley!

:Hahaha:

This isn't really a "blonde joke" . . . . .but it sure made me laugh. A few years ago, a friend of mine (a blonde) said that she was thinking about dying her hair red or auburn. But she hadn't decided, because: "Once I dye it, there's no going back."

I asked "What do you mean?"
She said "Well, the package said that it's permanent dye. And I'm not sure if I want to be a red head for the rest of my life."

:Hahaha:

A small rural church was having a revival. As was the custom with those churches, members took turns having the evangelist & music director to their homes for supper/Sunday Dinner. On Sunday it was Farmer Smith's turn to host Sunday Dinner after Sunday Services. Mrs Smith had put on the nines, doing her best to impress her guests. Of course that meant a Sunday Dinner of fried chicken (from their farm of course), mashed potatoes/gravy, corn on the cob, apple pie, etc. After the service the evangelist, music director & the Smiths sat on the porch--belt loosened a notch or so. The evangelist couldn't help but notice Mr. Smith's rooster strutting around the yard, and said, "Mr. Smith, That is about the proudest strutting rooster I believe I've ever seen!"

Mr. Smith replied, "He is! And he should be too!" Then Farmer Smith put his hand on the guests' bellies and said, "...Afterall that rooster's 2 sons just got called into the ministry!"

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

:Hahaha:

Love it!


Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'
:Hahaha: :Hahaha: :Hahaha:

Good one, Susie! :haha: