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 Post your Joke!

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40 posters
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AuthorMessage
Rhonda
Prairie Survivor
Prairie Survivor
Rhonda


Number of posts : 21216
Location : On my bike!!!
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Purple2

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Feb 14, 2008 8:44 am

Deer Hunting Post your Joke! - Page 9 16_3_160

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.


Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rhonda10Post your Joke! - Page 9 Lauram10
CANCER FREE!!!  April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
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Rob
Nip it in the bud!
Nip it in the bud!
Rob


Number of posts : 62635
Location : Michigan
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Goodsi10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Feb 14, 2008 9:14 am

Oh, Rhonda! ROTFL
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Rhonda
Prairie Survivor
Prairie Survivor
Rhonda


Number of posts : 21216
Location : On my bike!!!
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Purple2

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptySat Feb 16, 2008 12:02 pm

Vampire bat



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"


Post your Joke! - Page 9 8_1_213


Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rhonda10Post your Joke! - Page 9 Lauram10
CANCER FREE!!!  April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
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Savannah
"Psalm 34"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 Princesrank
Savannah


Number of posts : 54431
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptySun Feb 17, 2008 8:11 am

:Hahaha: The one about the deer hunters is hilarious, too, Rhonda!!
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Lily
"Beautiful Life"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 LilyRank2
Lily


Number of posts : 6784
Location : In the town shopping
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Vianne10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptySun Mar 02, 2008 10:21 pm

Bass Pro Shop


A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco® 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is to totally confused by t his and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, " Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Cat fish Bait is $3.50."


"Within the heart of every stray, lies the singular desire to be loved."
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Rob
Nip it in the bud!
Nip it in the bud!
Rob


Number of posts : 62635
Location : Michigan
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Goodsi10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptySun Mar 02, 2008 10:33 pm

ROTFL , Lily!
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Rhonda
Prairie Survivor
Prairie Survivor
Rhonda


Number of posts : 21216
Location : On my bike!!!
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Purple2

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am

Water



A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..." "What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes later...

"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


Post your Joke! - Page 9 15_2_127


Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rhonda10Post your Joke! - Page 9 Lauram10
CANCER FREE!!!  April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
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Trixie
Frontier Traveler
Frontier Traveler
Trixie


Number of posts : 425
Location : California
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Confus10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 06, 2008 9:41 pm

ROTFL :Hahaha:
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyFri Mar 14, 2008 2:42 pm

THE LAWS OF LIFE

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

& Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Savannah
"Psalm 34"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 Princesrank
Savannah


Number of posts : 54431
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyFri Mar 14, 2008 9:56 pm

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Westinghouse

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" the rabbit replied.

"Yes, but that still doesn't answer my question," responded the lady.

"Well," the rabbit said,
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm westing." batEyes
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Savannah
"Psalm 34"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 Princesrank
Savannah


Number of posts : 54431
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptySat Mar 15, 2008 7:03 am

Misti......... :Hahaha: I didn't see your joke when I was posting the bunny oney......I mean, the bunny one. Those are hilarious! I especially like the "wrong number" one. :Hahaha:
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 27, 2008 12:16 pm

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Grandm10


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Savannah
"Psalm 34"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 Princesrank
Savannah


Number of posts : 54431
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 27, 2008 12:17 pm

:Hahaha: Misti!!!
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 27, 2008 12:22 pm

Savanna! From now on, beware of those pies with the perfect edges! grinsmiley


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Savannah
"Psalm 34"
Post your Joke! - Page 9 Princesrank
Savannah


Number of posts : 54431
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 27, 2008 12:24 pm

LOL!! Hey, Misti.........Want to come over for some pie?? batEyes
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 27, 2008 12:36 pm

Depends...do you still have your own teeth in your mouth? grinsmiley


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyMon Apr 07, 2008 10:29 pm

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD--Sorry if these have been posted before!

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that
mean that morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you - walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you..."
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Rob
Nip it in the bud!
Nip it in the bud!
Rob


Number of posts : 62635
Location : Michigan
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Goodsi10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyTue Apr 08, 2008 1:31 pm

Those are great, Misti! ROTFL
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Alice
On The African Savanna
On The African Savanna
Alice


Number of posts : 10766
Location : Meerkat Manor
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyTue Apr 08, 2008 3:33 pm

Those are very punny. I've never heard them before. Thumbsup


Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow.
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Rhonda
Prairie Survivor
Prairie Survivor
Rhonda


Number of posts : 21216
Location : On my bike!!!
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Purple2

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyWed Apr 09, 2008 7:15 am

Top 35 Oxymorons



35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works




ROTFL


Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rhonda10Post your Joke! - Page 9 Lauram10
CANCER FREE!!!  April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
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Rob
Nip it in the bud!
Nip it in the bud!
Rob


Number of posts : 62635
Location : Michigan
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Goodsi10

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyWed Apr 09, 2008 9:42 pm

ROTFL , Rhonda!
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Guest
Guest




Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyWed Apr 09, 2008 10:30 pm

Those are great. Do you come up with those yourself or do you find them somewhere?
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Rhonda
Prairie Survivor
Prairie Survivor
Rhonda


Number of posts : 21216
Location : On my bike!!!
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Purple2

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyThu Apr 10, 2008 7:26 am

Wild Flower wrote:
Those are great. Do you come up with those yourself or do you find them somewhere?

I have been blessed with a truly smart and funny wit to come up with all these funny things........ Whistle

NOT! I get a daily email with jokes and silly stuff......If any are worth posting.....you get to read them here......... grinsmiley


Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rhonda10Post your Joke! - Page 9 Lauram10
CANCER FREE!!!  April 9, 1998-April 9, 2023-I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
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Guest
Guest




Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyFri Apr 11, 2008 9:20 pm

That's just GREAT! Now I have to call Jay and Conan and tell them I have nothin' for them for next week! ROTFL
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Misti
Red Hummingbird
Red Hummingbird
Misti


Number of posts : 4112
Location : Texas
Mood : Post your Joke! - Page 9 Happy010

Post your Joke! - Page 9 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Post your Joke!   Post your Joke! - Page 9 EmptyWed Apr 16, 2008 7:02 pm

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evening s and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize soc ial gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything
they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **


Post your Joke! - Page 9 HummerPost your Joke! - Page 9 MistiKeeperPost your Joke! - Page 9 Bookclub5Post your Joke! - Page 9 Rose
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