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| Post your Joke! | |
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Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:59 am | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sat Oct 24, 2009 8:33 pm | |
| Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ' 'I'd also like whipped cream I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2025-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Rob Nip it in the bud!
Number of posts : 62635 Location : Michigan Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 25, 2009 8:53 am | |
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| | | Kristina Ingalls Friend for Life
Number of posts : 7892 Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Oct 25, 2009 9:06 am | |
| Rhonda those are very funny! | |
| | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| | | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Nov 11, 2009 12:17 pm | |
| Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?" CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2025-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Rob Nip it in the bud!
Number of posts : 62635 Location : Michigan Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Nov 11, 2009 9:58 pm | |
| I like that one, Rhonda! | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:49 am | |
| An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”
CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2025-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:02 pm | |
| Very cute joke, Rhonda. Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Mon Nov 16, 2009 11:59 am | |
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| | | Lori Ingalls Friend for Life
Number of posts : 6033 Location : A Buckeye in Michigan
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Tue Nov 17, 2009 8:49 pm | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:27 am | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:42 pm | |
| A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2025-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Savannah "Psalm 34"
Number of posts : 54431 Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:56 pm | |
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| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:44 am | |
| A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" CANCER FREE!!! April 9, 1998-April 9, 2025-I AM A SURVIVOR!!! | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| | | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 02, 2009 7:56 pm | |
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| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| | | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:05 pm | |
| There were three men on a hill with their watches.
The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.
The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.
The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!" Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:10 pm | |
| An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "for the third time, yes!" Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:10 pm | |
| One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just then, the dog bit the mailman.
"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog." Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:12 pm | |
| There was a duck that went to a local store to buy chapstick, the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill. Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Rhonda Prairie Survivor
Number of posts : 21216 Location : On my bike!!! Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:28 pm | |
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| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
| Subject: Re: Post your Joke! Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:38 pm | |
| Dog Rules for Christmas:
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!! Spring is finally here, the lovely pink blooms on the "spray" tree outside my window are gone leaving a beautiful willow. | |
| | | Alice On The African Savanna
Number of posts : 10766 Location : Meerkat Manor Mood :
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