Post your Joke!

:haha: Gin!

Who Is The Most Obedient?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

He! He! Ho! HO! HA!.......I'm dizzy!
And to think Bill Gates was such a smart guy!!!!


...OK....----A duck walks into a drugstore and asked for a tube of lip balm. " Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Just put it on my bill." the duck replied.

LOL You QUACK me up!!!

Waddle she think of next? :shifty:

I'm not sure, but she might ruffle your tail feathers if she tries. :unsure:

Lovely Girl

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."


Homework Help

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Alvin: "Did you hear about the TV antennas that got married?"

Mark: "No. How was the wedding?"

Alvin:" I heard the reception was great."

Counterfeiter

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"
:haha:

Little Tim's Goldfish



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

Rhonda wrote:

Little Tim's Goldfish



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Police News Headlines

- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

- Drunk gets nine months in violin case

- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

- Stolen Painting Found By Tree

- Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

- Police Discover Crack In Australia

- Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives

- Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

:Hahaha: Wedding Vows

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
you?

Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." :Hahaha: :Hahaha: :Hahaha:

Can't remember if I posted this one before. Didn't want Rhonda to have all the fun.


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
Men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
What the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
Sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
Gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
Came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
Instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
There stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

I need to remember that!!!! :Hahaha:

Rhonda wrote:

I need to remember that!!!! :Hahaha:

In everyone's mind, they can rename it, "Ode to _____ (Insert appropriate name here)."