Post your Joke!

Oh Lily, that's great!

These were the actual excuses employees had used to call in sick.

1. At her sister’s wedding, an employee chipped her tooth on a mint julep, bent over to spit it out, hit her head on a keg and was knocked unconscious.

2. While at a circus, a tiger urinated on the employee’s ear, causing an ear infection.

3. An employee’s dog wasn’t feeling well, so the employee tasted the dog’s food and then got sick.

4. “Someone put LSD in my salad.”

5. An employee’s roommate locked all his clothes in a shed for spite.

6. “Stuck on an island – canoe floated away.”

7. An employee was upset because his favorite "American Idol" contestant was voted off.

8. “I didn’t think I had to come in if I had time in my vacation bank. I thought I could take it whenever I wanted.”

9. An employee said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest up for the company’s holiday party that night.

10. A groundhog bit the employee’s car tire, causing it to go flat.




:Hahaha:

Hilarious, Lily! :haha:

Oh man, I can't believe these!

:Hahaha:

:haha:

Bear Porridge



It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

"It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time..."

"I haven't made the darned porridge yet!"

Ahhh, the "Three Bears" updated for today! I needed that, Rhonda! Thanks.

Smart Dogs



Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

Age is a high price to pay for Maturity..

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Those are all great, Lily, Rhonda and Misti!

:Hahaha:

I Heard that one befor

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half
years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had
been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when
I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to
him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach
to get water is the toilet??'

:Hahaha:

Oh My Goodness! What did he say! That is pretty gross! I don't have a weak stomach, but that just might get to me!


:Hahaha:

Oh! Whew! So, it wasn't your dad! Well, I feel sorry for whoever's dad is was!

God and the Scientist



God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."