Post your Joke!

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails;

Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work

after Death

Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

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Juvenile Court to Try

Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to

Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Man Struck By Lightning:

Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for

Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by

7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

lol, Misti!

Funny


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
Asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
Seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight
Started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
Verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
And come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened
My shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
Your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
Application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
Experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
Dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the
Fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept
Staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
Table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old
Girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
Those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
That long?' And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said,
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
With what she sees and says to her husband,'I feel horrible; I look old,
Fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
Replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight
Started.....

------------ ----- ---- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the
Fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not
As much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
Crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
As fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
The woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the
Fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
"It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
Answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone
a friend." And that's when the fight started....

Misti, those are hilarious!

This is going to be a long post so I hope you don't mind. I got these in e-mail and I thought they were really cute. They're going to be bigger than a thumbnail so that they can be read. Enjoy!

Those are great Misti, children can be sooo funny.

I am not sure if this one is posted yet and I don't want to go through 15 pages to find out so here goes...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.


Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from

work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told

him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my

way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more

than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off

any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and

before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took

a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone

rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure

was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I

seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It

was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over

a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap

and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink

was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ear s carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,

I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells

signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more

times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back

on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,

apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through

the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated

around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was great!!!! :Hahaha: :Hahaha:

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

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Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Lorrie and Misti, those last three entries are too funny!

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

How to Decide Who to Marry: By Kids


Kids contemplate marriage.

How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both donʼt want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isnʼt she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
Iʼd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
When theyʼre rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnʼt want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Itʼs the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

What is the right age to get married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

Is it better to be single or married?
I donʼt know which is better, but Iʼll tell you one thing. Iʼm never going to kiss my wife. I donʼt want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

Itʼs better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

How do you decide whom to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyʼre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who youʼre stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

Rhonda! :haha:

(I changed a few words in this!)

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME - WITH THE “MOST ROMANTIC” FIRST LINE,
AND THE “LEAST ROMANTIC “ SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was miffed.

I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Darn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to (you know where!)'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?.......

Sum Ting Wong

This is not a Joke Really but a Little Poem i found online

Recipe For Life

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
3 cups of Forgiveness
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoons of Hope
2 spoons of Tenderness
4 quarts of Faith
1 barrel of Laughter

Take Love and Loyalty, mix it thoroughly with Faith.
Blend it with Tenderness, Kindness & Understanding.
Sprinkle abundantly with Laughter.
Bake it with Sunshine.
Serve daily with Generous helpings.

Rhonda!!!! :Hahaha: