Post your Joke!

Those are great, Rhonda!

I think I told this joke a couple years ago, but it's time for a re-run. Even though it'll probably get me panned, I feel like living dangerously.

A ventriloquist is performing in a nightclub. He's sitting on the stage with his little dummy on his knee, and he's telling blonde jokes... with the dummy getting all the punchlines, of course.

After a few minutes, a blonde woman stands up in the audience. "I don't find these jokes the least bit funny!" she says. "You're making generalizatons about an entire group of people, and by doing so, you're perpetuating a stereotype which is not only mean-spirited, but just plain false. I'm a blonde, and I'm certainly not dumb."

"I'm sorry, Miss," says the ventriloquist. "I can see you're very bright and articulate. I apologize if my jokes offended you."

"Listen, buddy," says the blonde, "I don't have any problem with you. I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"

First:

Rob wrote:

"You're making generalizatons

Secondly.....Sorry to keep you waiting. I was gone most of the day. (There are two because you had to wait so long. )

And third...You don't fool me with the blonde joke, Robbie. I know that your preference runs far too deep to be changed.

Wow, a lot of my Gomerings seem to come from leaving the i out of -ion words.

I saw that, Savannah!

Besides them bats? I saw somebody mention "Methuselah's them song." They got away before I could slap the cuffs on 'em, though.

Oh, in that case, all is forgiven.

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

NOT-SO-DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out $5, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands him $5, and goes back to sleep.

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths agape.

He turns and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Suddenly I want to keep a very close eye on my cell phone.

That's hilarious, Rhonda!

Ha! I had a mental lapse today. I told the cellphone joke to my Mom, and then I thought, "That's really good! I'm going to post it on the Little House board!"

Rob!!

, Carol!

The first time I saw Renee on a talk show, her eyes were so squinty that I honestly thought she was blind!

Three Eggs and $100


An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."