Post your Joke!

That's right!  Christmas is on HUMP DAY this year!      

So is my birthday....

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --


"Defrost the chicken!" (True Story)

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Regina, Saskatchewan. She said that since early this morning the snow has been over waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is 36 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is - 62. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken degenerate in.

^   

Ha! Good'un, David.

My Jake posted this on his face book page:

How do you find will smith in the snow?
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You look for fresh prints.  

I think Rob will like this one.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the salt truck!"

I just sent that to a friend last night.....only, I changed it from Michigan to Missouri....   

 

The busy housewife asked her blonde friend to go to the grocery store for her.  "All I need is a carton of milk," she told her.  "Oh, and if they have eggs, get me a dozen."

So the blonde went shopping, and she came back toting six cartons of milk in her arms.  "Whew, these are heavy!" she said.  "I couldn't carry all of them at once.  The other six are in the car."

Her friend is stunned.  "Why did you buy twelve cartons of milk??"

The blonde rolled her eyes.  "Because they had eggs, silly!"

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them:

"Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,

"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property? The ding dong had a paper route!"

 

Simple Law Of Physics

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath  - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Davetucson wrote:

Morris  Schwartz   is on  his   deathbed, knows the  end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2  sons.
 
"So", he says to  them:  

"Bernie   , I want you to take the Beverly Hills  houses."  

"Sybil, take the apartments over  in   Los   Angeles Plaza."  

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over  in City   Center."  

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the  residential buildings downtown."  

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and  as   Morris   slips away, she says,  

"Mrs.   Schwartz, your husband must have been such  a   hard-working   man to have accumulated all this  property."  






 
Sarah   replies, "Property?  The   ding dong  had a paper  route!"

  

"I Feel Sorry For The Fellow In The Following Story."

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his Missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height ??

Husband: I never checked.

Inspector: Slim or healthy ??

Husband: Not slim, she can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes ??

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair ??

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing ??

Husband: Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.

Inspector: Was she driving ??

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me the type & color of the car ?? . . . . .

Husband: Its a black Audi A8 Convertible with a dark burgundy top and with a supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin Scratch on the front left door.…and then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.

haha

  Good one!

This from Reddit...

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a wide river.  "How do I get to the other side?" one blonde shouts.

"You idiot!" shouts back the other.  "You ARE on the other side!"

They talk back and forth, and finally realize that they both want to be on the same side.

"I have an idea," says one.  "I have a flashlight in my purse.  I'll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam to my side."

The other blonde puts her hands on her hips.  "That's just about the stupidest idea I've ever heard!"

"What's so stupid about it?"

"I know what a joker you are!  I'll get halfway across and you'll turn off the light!"

A blonde is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a grassy field. She's rowing hard, and getting nowhere.

The blonde driver pulls over and yells, "Hey, you! You're giving blondes a bad name! If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your butt!"

A blonde goes to see her doctor.

"Doc, you have to help me!  My entire body hurts!"

"Really?"

"Yes!  Watch this!"  

She presses her finger against her arm.  "Ow!"  She presses it against her stomach.  "Ow!"  She presses it against her leg.  "Ow!"

"I think I see the problem," says the doctor.  "You have a broken finger."

This is what happens when you go back to work after thirty years!

 Love it!  But I bet younger folks won't understand what she was trying to do.  

Rob wrote:

 Love it!  But I bet younger folks won't understand what she was trying to do.  

You are probably right, they would think a carriage return was returning a cart at the grocery store!

Haha, good point!

That was so funny. I laughed out loud. Type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type. *Push the computer off the desk.*